Oh Really

Oh! Really! I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness. I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillonnaire. If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now, that’s humorous. I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight. Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven? Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of opinion. I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” The leader replied, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand-up chameleon.” I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it. Just spoke with Bill Withers and told him “Ain’t No Sunshine” is bad grammar. He said, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.” Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera. The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one. Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court… it was a brief case. How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house. Once upon a time, there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler. My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right…Jack and the beans talk. I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore. I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me. I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.